What Nobody Ever Told You!!

12 riveting stories for the always smart youth!
What Nobody Ever Told You!!

Author: B. Ganeshkumar
Format: Paperback
Language: English
ISBN: 9788122310450
Code: 9501A
Pages: 160
Price: US$ 5.00

Published: 2009
Publisher: CEDAR BOOKS
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Ever heard of a story with a moral and that moral being a PJ?
Ever thought that smoking can make you a millionaire?
Ever considered that replying chain mails can be funnier than forwarding them?
Will you ever dare to take your girlfriend on a date and give her a lecture on numbers instead of wooing her?
Well, there is one guy in the Universe who thinks and does all this and much more.
Welcome to the world of young Kuttappan, who ruined by the over-engineered intelligence of our education system, now sees every situation in life from a completely different perspective.
And today Kuttappan is all set to tell you What Nobody Ever Told You about the very same situations we face in our everyday lives.

About the Author(s)

B Ganeshkumar heads the Strategy & Planning Division for the Agency Distribution Channel at a leading Life Insurance Company in India. He was featured in Business Baron where he had talked about the potential of web-based education in India in the coming years.

He believes that everybody should enjoy life without being too judgemental. In his free time, he enjoys playing guitar and piano to discover the hidden melodies of the seven notes.

A South Indian himself, married to a Maharashtrian, staying in Mumbai, the author relishes Gujarati food when not writing books or playing music.

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Contents

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Preface
Introduction
1. Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw:Re:
2. A KoCK & Bull Credit Card Theory  
3. Bend it Like Your Mind!  
4. Conversations with Girlfriend  
5. Elementary, Dear Betal (Kuttappan’s PJ)  
6. How MSNL Made Kuttappan A Complete Man!  
7. How To Smoke & Become A Millionaire  
8. Khelo India, Khelo  
9. Sorry God! They Sold You Today!!  
10. The Superstar’s Second Home! Mind it!!
11. Why Kuttappan is Better Than Michael Schumacher!  
12. Wow! Look at My Figure!!

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Sample Chapters


(Following is an extract of the content from the book)
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Wow! Look at My Figure!!

Everybody’s office is sometimes a boring place or an exciting place depending upon whether it’s a Monday or a Friday (or a Saturday, in case you are working for a 6 day work-week company. My sincere suggestion, change your company!). I have found it humanly impossible to display the same kind of passion and energy at the workplace every day. Of course, there are even some days when you feel there is a criminal conspiracy launched to get you out of the company – the symptoms being a series of mails from your boss, his boss, the super boss and bosses of other departments too. This, at times, even gets compounded when supplemented with calls or meetings with the very same people.
Kuttappan, of course, is a soul with a difference. He finds his office hours to be the most exciting segment of his day. His sense of supreme exhilaration even in anticipation of going to office is simply awesome. And no! It need not be a Friday. Any day of the week, he wears the same delightful face and enthusiasm. Kuttappan thanks his company’s management for their support and the very specific efforts they take to enable employees to become extremely passionate about their work.
Over to Kuttappan now to hear him what he has to say about his company’s methods.
Kuttappan Speaks:
I have been dunked with a plethora of books and trainings on General Management Principles during my tenure with this company. While the trainings were fun, since they enabled me to enjoy paid holidays, the books often proved to be more powerful than the lullabies my mother sang when I was a toddler. My company later on even embraced various Quality Systems, be it the ISO or Six Sigma (we had them by dozens) and invested crores of rupees in SAP (if you don’t know what it is, never mind; nobody who has used it has known it either).
Why was my company doing all this? Simply because, they had the vision of becoming the best player in the industry. And the company management concluded after long drawn meetings that such an objective could be achieved only if they invested time, resources and manpower to take care of their employee’s figures. Our company ran a single line agenda – every employee, male or female, should become figure conscious. Having been cultivated under the aegis of such a company philosophy, I have indeed become an extremely figure conscious person. Of course, I do wish to sincerely thank my company’s management for their lovely efforts and benevolent investments to help me achieve my dream figure. If you go through a day in my office, that by itself will be a great lesson in General Management of successful companies. You will understand how the various resources at the company interact with me to help me maintain my figure, sometimes even help me better it, if am found to be sagging.
Every day, in the morning, I get a call at 9:30 from my boss’ secretary. This lady notes down what my figures are right now. If she is happy with my figure, she reciprocates with a sweet “Well done, keep going”, else she reminds me of the consequences of a bad figure appearing on Page 3. This she does very religiously every morning. Wow! What a commitment!! All for my figure!!! [Ref 1]
Yes, I do understand that just monitoring the figures on a daily basis though is a good practice, it simply isn’t enough by itself. There has to be something to make us aspire for that dream figure. My company understood that too. Just to help me out with this aspect is another lady, specially appointed by the Figure Management Review Committee, another brainchild of my management. Impressed by the tons of experience she had in aligning figures for every individual she has worked with in the past, our company decided to take her on our rolls. This lady typically schedules one day in a month where I have to meet her personally. She then helps me out in determining what kind of a figure would be more befitting for me. She even draws out practical, rationale and motivational reasons as to why she recommends those figures for me. Most importantly, she teams up with me and works out action points that I should religiously implement to ensure that I’m on my way to achieve my dream figure. Even though this is just a monthly activity, she never loses any opportunity to keep in touch with me on a daily basis, checking the status vis-à-vis the action points. Wow! What a commitment!! All for my figure!!! [Ref 2]
Then there is this swashbuckling girl who also chips in her support to help me maintain my figure with lots of visual aids. In fact, this is a proven theory and many books are already written which portray visualisation as a very powerful tool for realising one’s goals. My company too strongly believed in the impact of visuals as a medium for motivating people to achieve their goals. So, here is this girl who ensures that I get all the gorgeous visual paraphernalia (colourful motivating posters, small cute handouts, motivational messages) to keep us focused on getting our dream figure. She even visits my workstation to check if all the material she had sent are being used as advised. Her objective is that people should not blame their figures (the lack of it) onto her. Wow! What a commitment!! All for my figure!!! [Ref 3]
Then there are two more ladies, one young and one very young (the last thing you want to do when you describe a female is to reveal she is an oldie). These war-horses use that million dollar invested technology called SAP, to recuperate my figure. One girl painstakingly co-ordinates with me for every inch of data and then feeds them into SAP. And the younger one, a real gem, who has been working ever since the company was incepted two decades back, maintains a complete history of my figures across a period of time. She also uses her experience and her competence with SAP to readily churn out statistical inferences which demonstrates how summer, winter or any other season has an impact on my figure. This information really enables me to take proactive steps where ever required to maintain my figure. Wow! What a commitment!! All for my figure!!! [Ref 4]
If you are already impressed by this power-packed list of people provided by the management, who work tirelessly for my figure, please be informed that there is more. The same Figure Management Review Committee has decided to relocate two more ladies to my department, who would be in close loop with me to monitor very specific figures. Each of them is a specialist in a given area, and they are chiefly responsible for improving my figures in their respective areas of expertise. Wow! What a commitment!! All for my figure!!! [Ref 5]
I’m sure by this time, you must have realised why I enjoy my office to the hilt. You might have probably got one thing wrong – it’s nothing to do with the ladies. I am indeed very happy with my current girlfriend, thirteenth for the records, in case she happens to read this. (Don’t take the ‘very happy’ too seriously though, that was to please my girlfriend, in case she happens to read this.) It is the commitment of the people around me who work tirelessly to ensure that I have a ‘Neighbour’s envy, Owner’s pride’ kind of figure that makes me really enjoy my office.
If you are a male, probably you are now itching to be in my place and of course you will be engulfed in a sea of females too, if that’s a motivating point for you. The best thing is
I don’t even pay to get all these services. In fact (and this is a real clincher) I’m getting paid for all this. Yeah! My management pays me for going through all this and sometimes even rewards me with special bonuses when I maintain my figures well.
In case you are now dying to receive such doses of daily care, love, passion and get goaded with calls to help you achieve a dream figure, then all you need to do is apply for a Sales Manager’s post in my company. This shall make you a lifetime beneficiary of such services and the management’s magnanimity. And yes! You will be handsomely remunerated too.
I really owe a big thank you to all those wonderful ladies and my company’s management for coming out with a cracker of an idea and in the process making me a very figure conscious person. Thanks to such care, love and passion, I have never encountered a dull day ever in my office. Every day is a superb motivation to keep up the spirit of achieving the dream figure alive, come what the situation may be. My workplace truly rocks. You think I have any real reason to miss coming to the office?

Ref 1: The call is for updating the Daily Sales Report and Page 3 is where my region’s figures get printed in the 5-page report.
Ref 2: She is the National Sales Head and the monthly meeting is for setting the month’s target.
Ref 3: She organises for marketing collaterals and other such sales promotional material.
Ref 4: Company EVA (Economic Value Added) report comes out through SAP. These reports also show the seasonality influences on business (trend analysis) which we use to project future business estimates.
Ref 5: They are designated as Brand Managers, responsible for the two brands of products that we run in the company. Some companies may call them Vertical Heads or
Portal Heads.

...and the figures, of course, are the sales and sales-related revenue figures!!!

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